Reasons Why Some Pastors Don’t Have Capital ‘F’ Friends


Who are my capital F friends? Who are they? If Gail were here she would say, ‘You know most women in this room would have no trouble giving you a full list, but you men you don’t have any idea how to make a capital F friend’. That’s what Gail would say. And there was a time in our marriage when she was right, up to about the age of forty five I could not have named really any person by my definition who was a capital F friend in my life. I was too busy.

There are many reasons why we avoid relationships with capital F friends.

Some of us will say, ‘I’m just too busy to have relationships, those kind of relationships cost too much time, I’m just too busy’.

Some of us will not have capital F friends because of the kind of leaders we are, and we’re the kind of leaders who use people and when anybody ever sees us coming they kind of brace themselves because they know we’ll want their money or their time or their energy or their advice, and so they’re not really interested in being a friend because it’s too costly to them.

Sometimes we don’t have capital F friends because we’ve gotten into the habit that every time we talk to human beings we have to become A to their B. We’re the one who answers their questions, we solve their problems, we create the agenda and they follow.

Some of us don’t have capital F friends because we’re afraid of transparency, we just know that if we allow people to get too close to us they would find out things about us that we really don’t want them to know.

Some of us have difficulty making capital F friends because we’re carrying unresolved woundedness with us. Somewhere in the past someone really hurt us, betrayed us, cheated us and a little part of us said, ‘never again, I just won’t take on relationships that are that close’.

And then probably one or two of us don’t have capital F relationships because we’re too competitive and we get into conversations or whatever with people and we’re driven every time to be the most powerful, the best, the one with all the answers… and so relationships with people like that are just no fun! They’re not safe relationships.

I look over a list like this from time to time and I ask myself, ‘is there any element of these five or six categories that could be true about me? Any one of these that would be an excuse for me no to pour the time I need to pour into to a capital F friendship, so it’s easy to avoid relationships.

This lesson was recorded at the ‘Talk Like a Father’ Seminar with Gordon MacDonald – Stafford 2016


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